Chuck Norris convinced Nintendo and Square to make the video game "Super Mario RPG".
Chuck Norris once dressed up as a wuss for Halloween by wearing loose fitting pants and shaving his beard. Whenever a homeowner would give him Smarties while trick or treating, he would yell, "I loathe Smarties!" and roundhouse kicked them in the throat. Chuck Norris's beard grew back by the third house, and this will go down as the most unconvincing Halloween costume in history. Chuck was 38 at the time.
Everytime a waitress doesn't return with your food ontime, its because Chuck Norris is secretly having sex with her -- and all of the other waitresses -- in a back room. That's also why the food tastes extra good when it finally arrives.
Chuck Norris lost his first round in CounterStrike 1.6, and decided to dragon kick a small child. Suddenly, the child exploded and Vin Diesel was born. Chuck immediately challenged him to a duel in the Octagon. The match ended five and a half days later with a total of 562 dead, 1029 wounded, and 67 cases of rape. The match ended when they decided their powers weren't worthy to be seen by mortal eyes and decided to sleep for a thousand years and rise when the time has come. But Chuk Norris didn't agree to this and has been masturbating ever since. 
The evolution theory states that everything evolved from one living being. Chuck Norris is that living being.
After Chuck Norris finished filming Sidekicks with Jonathan Brandis, he discovered that Brandis had dressed in drag in the film Ladybugs.  Norris promptly fucked Brandis from behind, proving not that he himself was gay, but that Brandis was.
Chuck Norris once traveled back in time to kill Hitler. The machine was poorly built (thank you Vin Diesel...) and so instead he had to assassinate John F. Kennedy. Chuck Norris was the other shooter from the grassy knoll.
Chuck Norris is saddened that his fact generator will be a fraction of the size of Vin Diesel's, because only Americans know who the hell he is.
Contrary to what McDonald's would have believe, Chuck Norris is not "lovin' it".
Chuck Norris started the Arbys fast food chain. This was the only was to deal with his ravenous roast beef sandwich cravings.
Once Chuck Norris had cancer, due to it his beard had fallen off. So ashamed of not having his manly beard, he put on a black wig and renamed himself Steven Seagal through 1980-2000.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. 
Chuck Norris's wife died of blood loss after his beard ripped her face off while they were having sex. When the police showed up to arrest him for her murder, he kicked their asses, then went to each of their houses and fucked their wives. And daughters. And mothers. And dogs. 
Chuck Norris makes robot clones of himself to sell on eBay. Unfortunately, upon successfully buying one of these off of our favorite Internet junkyard, and having to pay shipping one of these robots, the surrounding area's population has its ass kicked. Twice.
Nietzsche declared, "God is Dead." Chuck Norris, having just killed god with a wicked awesome roundhouse, raped Nietzsche for his impudence.  Nietzsche later died of syphilis.  Chuck Norris later kicked some serious ass.
Chuck Norris only appeared at the 1994 WWF Survivor Series because Vince McMahon promised he and his beard could hold the Tag Team Championship belts. When McMahon went back on his word, Norris went back in time and killed both Andre the Giant and The Texas Tornado.
In the original version of "Night of the Living Dead", Chuck Norris saved the day by eating all of the zombies.
Some have wondered why the credits to any of Chuck Norris' films or movies contain only one name: Chuck Norris. This isn't because he did every job on the production, but because he makes everyone on the crew dress like him and worship him as a living god... and yes, he does bang them.
Contrary to popular belief, the Thirty Years War that raged across the Old World from 1618 to 1648 and left tens of thousands dead was not the result of a pan-European religious debate. It was, in fact, the final escalation of Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel's long-running practical joke contest. Vin maintains to this day that, "Protestantism was a gag too far". Norris, of course, knows that it's just that he lacks a sense of humour.
Chuck Norris is the only surviving member of Custers Last Stand at Little Big Horn, Montana. Legend has it that the indians we're so frightened of his immense beard, they let him live and gave him the name "He Who Has Face of Fire" and the hunting rights to all the buffalo in their territory. Well, sucks to be them, because it happes that Chuck Norris's favorite after massacre snack was Vanilla Buffalo Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. So what did he do? He ate all the buffalo in the land and subsequently drove the indians to reservations, bad gambling habits, and extinction. 
Bruce Lee's death (brain swelling) was directly related to Chuck Norris recieving second place to him in a martial arts contest. Coincidence? Norris doesn't think so.
Chuck Norris doesnt use shaving cream and he never cuts himself. Ever.
Chuck Norris does not stand while urinating. He squats like an eight year old girl. After urinating Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the toilet into oblivion, so it can never tell the shocking truth about his bathroom habits to any living soul.
When Chuck Norris eats a child, loved by its family, he can knock the living shit out of Popeye, literally. All that spinach would give anyone the shits.
The Solar System is actually Chuck Norris playing Vin Diesel at marbles.
The fight scene between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee near the end of "Return of the Dragon" required 58 takes because Chuck Norris kept accidentally beating Bruce Lee. Finally after shooting the scene 57 times, a stunt double had to be brought in to replace Chuck Norris. This stunt double was, of course, a young Vin Diesel.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
Chuck Norris grows a new soul every day, purely so that he can force feed it to starving orphans.
Most people don't know that Chuck Norris owns Columbia and Vietnam. After having seen all three Missing in Action and Delta Force movies, these countries decided it was best to surrender themselves to him.
Chuck Norris once had sex with a polar bear,with his orgasm he created the third ice-age, which is also known as the second coming of the robotic Vin Diesel.
Chuck Norris is really just Vin Diesel with hair.
Chuck Norris posed as Jim Harbaugh the entire 1986 NFL season after he killed him with a roundhouse kick for having attended BYU. He did it only as a favor to Mike Ditka who is one of Chuck Norris' disciples.
After reading "The Da Vinci Code," Chuck Norris felt unsatisfied with the ending, and so began an unauthorised sequel called "Donatello Can Kick Blue Boy's Ass Any Day". The book was never published.
Chuck Norris convinced Anakin Skywalker to join the Dark Side of the Force.
Night of the Living Dead was based on the aftermaths of Chuck Norris' "forgotten" film, where every extra and bit part actor was accidentaly killed.
Like most other humans, Chuck Norris is a mammal, but he is capable of surviving for months without food or water due to the solar panels mounted on his back.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Toucan Sam for giving, "Shitty directions."
Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex with 3 women.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
This one time, Chuck Norris was tied up to a tree. I don't remember how the rest of the story goes, but I'm sure it involved Chuck Norris raping your face, and giving you beard-burn.
Never try and return a Chuck Norris Total Gym. Within 60 seconds of its return Chuck Norris will rappell through your living room window and scissor kick you in the throat and immediately power fuck Christna Brinkley on your total gym.
Mel Gibson, Chuck Norris, Chris Rock and Vin Deisel were having lunch one day, when Mel offered Chuck the lead role in "The Passion of the Christ". Chuck demanded fifty million dollars. Mel refused. Chuck then roundhouse kicked Chris Rock in the head, killing him instantly. He proceeded to use Chris Rock's corpse to cornhole Mel Gibson. He then made Vin Deisel toss his salad. He did not tip the waitress.
The United States armed forces currently employ Chuck Norris in testing thier Abrams Main Battle Tank before sending them into combat.  This is achieved by having Chuck Norris attempt to penetrate the hull armor with a single roundhouse kick.  90% of Abrams tanks fail this test.
Despite his incomprehensible power, Chuck Norris will de-materialize if he were to meet Bjork or Joanna Newsom. This would force Vin Diesel to eat a Moogle out of shame.
Chuck Norris once had his reflection walk out of the mirror just to roundhouse kick meter-maids, while the REAL Chuck Norris was having a three way with his wife, and his reflection's wife.
Chuck Norris once fed a starving Ethiopian boy a 12 course meal, then promptly sacrificed the boy to Satan in an effort to boost the ratings of Walker Texas Ranger.
Chuck Norris rejected an invitation to Vin Diesel's house to play Xbox 720 and Playstation 4 as he was busy playing his Xbox 1080 and Playstation 5.
Chuck Norris mother tried to abort him during her pregnacy. He responded by giving birth to himself and roundhouse kicking the doctor to death.
Whilst paying a visit in Berlin, Chuck Norris paid a visit to the "Potsdamer Platz", a building notorious for having a lift that can cover 24 floors in less than 15 seconds. Upon hearing this Norris decided to race the lift using the stairs. Needless to say the first thing people saw when the lift doors opened on the 24th floor was Chuck Norris tapping his watch smugly.
Chuck Norris is the only man known to have read "Harry Potter 8: Revenge of Vin Diesel".
According to Jay Bials, Chuck Norris is very long. However, Stephen A. Smith convinced NBA GMs not to draft Norris in fear that they would lose their wives.
Kevin Sorbo once passed Chuck Norris in the park and said, "Hey, nice beard" sarcastically. Chuck Norris became angry, and roundhouse kicked Sorbo in the face. Astonishingly, Sorbo got back up after such a mighty blow. This further angered Chuck Norris to the point where he ripped out Sorbo's jaw, sodomized him with an ice cream cone, and ate his flesh in front of many children. This event has been commemorated with a limited-edition dinner plate and later became the basis for the television show "Grace Under Fire".
In a hostile conversation between Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel, Chuck was quoted saying, "Vin, why don't you walk back into your house, go into the pantry, pull out a bag of 'fuck off' chips, open the package, decide you need some dip, then open the refridgerator and grab some extra spicy 'eat shit' dip, and eat the whole lot, you fucking asshole." Norris later remarked that though his comments were harsh, he meant what he said and he does not regret it. He continued on to say, "I hate that pansy, I mean he can't even grow a beard, for fuck sakes!"
Chuck Norris forces himself to have a heart attact twice a year, so he can keep tricking the world into believing he's actually human.
Some chick was giving Chuck Norris head and his jizz was so strong that it went all the way through her digestive system, and got her pregnant.
Chuck Norris once made a movie using only the line, "I'm Chuck Fucking Norris" repeated hundreds of times.  This movie never made it to the public because Vin Diesel was extremely jealous  that Chuck Norris was the first one to come up with the idea of a movie involving street racing in the import scene. Vin destroyed all the movie footage, copyrighted the phrase "I'm Chuck Fucking Norris" and made The Fast and the Furious.  In return Chuck Norris cast a spell on Vin Diesel that would make all his movies suck.
Vin Diesel sleeps with a night-light on. Chuck Norris eats broken glass and drinks his on urine, his stool is 100% pure heroin.
Chuck Norris drove the train that destroyed Vin Diesel's muscle car in Fast and the Furious.
After filming Delta Force, Lee Marvin admitted that Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of winning a staring contest with God while getting a blowjob.
Danny Bonaduce got his famous libido from Chuck Norris. In fact, Danny is the love-spawn of Chuck Norris' horny ass hair and amazing beard trimmings, which, consequently met on the third toilet seat in a trucker rest stop on the I10 in California. Vin Diesel later got them stuck on his ass while following his estranged father on the I10 (who happens to be Chuck Norris) and later that night gave birth to Danny Bonaduce. Honestly.
Chuck Norris once destroyed the world by moving the statues on the Floating Continent out of position. He was later stopped by a witch, a bodybuilder, a moogle, and the abominable snowman.
Chuck Norris saw the movie, "The Polar Express," and immediately roundhouse kicked his 6 year old son in the face for convincing him to see it.  
It is well known that Chuck Norris weightlifts a lot, but it is not well known that he refuses to weightlift unless he is skydiving from 45,000 feet, without a parachute.
Only two people in the world can kill Chuck Norris; Jesus Christ and Vin Diesel.
Chuck Norris is the only surviving member of Custers Last Stand at Little Big Horn, Montana. Legend has it that the indians (feather, not dot) we're so frightened of his immense beard, they let him live and gave him the name "He Who Has Face of Fire" and the hunting rights to all the buffalo in their territory. Well, sucks to be them, because it happens that Chuck Norris's favorite after massacre snack was Vanilla Buffalo Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. So what did he do? He ate all the buffalo in the land and subsequently drove the indians to reservations, bad gambling habits, and extinction.
Chuck Norris eats aborted fetuses while driving and rocking out to Journey.  Thats multi-tasking Chuck Norris style.
The greatest trick Chuck Norris ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
Chuck Norris convinced Webster to change the proper English form from "a historic event" to "an historic event" with a single wink of his steely eye.
Vin Diesel once ate... sorry wrong page.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear pants, instead he opted to have the design tattooed onto his lower body. Thus giving the skin tight look everybody loves, without hindering the successful completion of his roundhouse kick. Also, His belt buckle is a piercing.
Chuck wokeup again with that all too familiar smell of urine on his hands; he knew it had been from the night before.  Tired of having to clean up after the little ones, he decided to go after older victims.
Chuck Norris' beard is stolen from the head of Vin Diesel. When Vin Diesel demanded that Chuck Norris return his hair, Chuck scowled, walked away, and returned with Vin Diesel's wife in his arms. He then proceeded to beat the shit out of Vin Diesel with his own wife.
Chuck Norris has covered his entire house in tinfoil to prevent Steven Seagal  and Vin Diesel from collectively applying the force-choke to him. When applying the tinfoil, he inadvertantly applied it shiny-side down, thus effectively drawing heat from teh sun into his house. The resulting oven-like enclosure actually damaged his skin and deadened his nerve-endings, giving him his freakish ability to withstand pain.
Upon his birth during the ice age, Chuck Norris ate his own umbilical cord, thus proving he was destined to be badass forever.
Chuck Norris is actually just Bob Saget in his invincible mech suit.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris slaps Vin Diesel whenever he feels like it.
Chuck Norris puts the lime in the Vin Diesel.
While serving in Vietnam, Chuck Norris's diet consisted of trail mix made from the testcles of enemy soldiers. He also threw in a handful of roasted almonds to build muscle.
Bruce Lee will challenge Chuck Norris to a matial arts battle to prove that Chuck Norris is over-rated. When the match begins Lee will point out that Chuch Norris has only one move, "the roundhouse kick". Chuch Norris will then spend the next three minutes removing his boot from Lee's face.
The lead role for The Pacifier was chosen all depending on a game of Counter-Strike between Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris. Vin Diesel won the game, but only because he was camping. In an angered state of rage, Chuck Norris notified God and got Vin Diesel banned from Earth. That took him down a peg.
A freak accident involving Chuck Norris and a severe thunderstorm turned an ordinary Total Gym (R) into Richard Dean Anderson, star of TV series "MacGyver". Scholars around the world maintain that this is the only known case of irony that is both situational and dramatic.
Chuck Norris never runs out of gas while driving.
There is a secret plot to clone the greatest Hollywood action movie stars in order to create an unbeatable army. The people behind this plot only need very small samples of DNA to work with. This is why so many action stars have very short haircuts, and some even go to the extent of shaving their heads to prevent the evil fiends from getting such a sample. Chuck Norris is the only one with the balls not only to grow his hair long, but also to cultivate facial hair. When he's feeling particularly cocky, he sends his toenail clippings to the evil syndicate's headquarters with a note: "Just try it, bitches, and I'll kick your asses into next Thursday."
Chuck Norris was the inspiration for the invention of "Raw Men" noodles, not to be confused with "ramen" noodles which are merely a cheap Vin Diesel imitation.
Due to a a childhood accident involving a pregnant walrus and a set of jumper cables, Chuck Norris is unable to pronounce the words Molybdenum or obsequious.
Chuck Norris helped Jesus through the hard times, giving him strength by quoting the Scripture. (Norris had somehow gotten his hands on an advance copy of the New Testament, but couldn't bring himself to tell Jesus how it all ended.)
Chuck Norris once killed a man by shoving his fist up the man's anus.  This gave Jim Henson a great idea.
Chuck Norris once traveled back in time to kill Hitler. The machine was poorly built (thank you Vin Diesel...) and so instead he had to assassinate John F. Kennedy. Chuck Norris was the other shooter from the grassy knoll.
History leads us to think Vikings plundered and murdered for profit, this is not true. Chuck Norris was actually responsible for most of the damage while trying to perfect the roundhouse. The Vikings were simply following him trying to learn the secrets of his beard. In a cover-up of Thor and Odin's love triangle with Vin Diesel, the Vikings were blamed erroneously.
Chuck Norris spent 11 months living at the North Pole. Chuck loves swimming, but to his discontent, there was no lake at the North Pole. Chuck then performed several billion pushups, emitting not sweat, but greenhouse gasses. This produced global warming and melted the polar ice-caps, creating a lake at the North Pole.
Chuck Norris hates it when people are right behind him so he killed Vin Diesel and raped Bob Saget.
Chcuk Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.
Like the new Jeep Hurricane, Chuck Norris can accelerate from 0 to 60 mph in 4.9 seconds, and can also an navigate an 86.7 degree slope when moving downward.
Ray Combs of the Family Fued didn't commit suicide. Chuck Norris killed him and made it look like a suicide because Combs was giving him "the evil eye".
On several occasions Chuck Norris has been known to give random people whiplash from verbal assault. If you're lucky, he may let sweet death overcome you by just giving you a swift obscene gesture to the face.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
The sweat from the testicles of Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel, while harmless on their own, combine to form the world's strongest steroid or explosive.
What's the reason behind all the hurricanes lately? Chuck "POSEIDON" Norris creates such a vortex of force from one roundhouse kick, that it can easily create said natural disaster. That and he hates all old people living in Florida.
Chuck Norris caddied for the Dalai Lama once. Instead of giving him money, the Lama offered Chuck the ability to receieve total conciousness on his death bed. Clearly upset by this offer, Chuck roundhouse kicked him off a 10,000 ft crevasse.
Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."
Chuck Norris discovered the secrets of martial arts while shaving one day when he found an ancient monk teaching martial arts in his beard.
Chuck Norris is the only surviving member of Custers Last Stand at Little Big Horn, Montana. Legend has it that the indians (feather, not dot) we're so frightened of his immense beard, they let him live and gave him the name "He Who Has Face of Fire" and the hunting rights to all the buffalo in their territory. Well, sucks to be them, because it happens that Chuck Norris's favorite after massacre snack was Vanilla Buffalo Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. So what did he do? He ate all the buffalo in the land and subsequently drove the indians to reservations, bad gambling habits, and extinction.
Twenty years ago Chuck Norris smiled when he thought about elephants having sex. He has not smiled since.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man in the face with his penis. Having touched Chuck Norris' penis, the man instantly turned to gold.
Chuck Norris is actually Vin Diesel in  disguise. If anyone were to confront him with this fact he would explode, but not before stealing all your cash.
Chuck Norris is the ape man, but Vin Diesel is still the walrus.
Chuck Norris is actually one of a thousand clones created from DNA from a single strand of hair from Vin Diesel's head
The true structure that makes up the Divine Trinity was lost in translation through ancient Hebrew inscriptions. What biblical scholars have believed for ages to be the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost is actually the Father, the Son, and Chuck Norris.
If you rub Chuck Norris' beard it will grant you three wishes, only the third wish always involves you having butt sex with Norris.
Chuck Norris never takes his boots off, and one Thanksgiving roundhouse kicked his grandmother's dentures out for asking him to do so. When asked why, a steely-eyed Chuck answered, "No boots, no Chuck," before vanishing in a flurry of spin kicks and snapping teeth.
One time a group of evil ninja's hired by Vin Diesel cut off Chuck Norris' beard in his sleep because they heard it was the source of his ultimate power.  Norris hunted them down and killed them all with a single roundhouse kick.  He then used their blood to feed his genetically enhanced killer bees, which he wore as a replacement beard.
One time Chuck Norris left the toilet seat up, and when, in anger, his wife tried to roundhouse kick him, he caught and broke her leg while giving her an uppercut at the same time.
A freak accident involving Chuck Norris and a severe thunderstorm turned an ordinary Total Gym (R) into Richard Dean Anderson, star of TV series "MacGyver". Scholars around the world maintain that this is the only known case of irony that is both situational and dramatic.
Chuck Norris helped Jesus through the hard times, giving him strength by quoting the Scripture. (Norris had somehow gotten his hands on an advance copy of the New Testament, but couldn't bring himself to tell Jesus how it all ended.)
Chuck Norris never has to wear a bullet proof vest, because his Texas Ranger star is actually the most powerful magnet in the world, and every time you try to shoot him, it will draw the bullet to itself, thus saving his life.
Chuck Norris once had to bend Vin Diesel over his knee and spank him after he "disrespected" the roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris has publicy admitted to having a threesome with the Olsen twins.
Chuck Norris was once in a car accident leaving him paralyzed from the waist down. While in a wheelchair,he roundhouse kicked Christopher Reeves in the face and said, "Who's super now?"
Chuck Norris carries a card in his wallet, issued to him by the Supreme Court of the United States of America, absolving him from any charges of murder or attempted murder due to his sexual technique.
The only living thing capable of surviving an atomic blast; Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris has submitted all of the Top 10 facts about Vin Diesel.
November 22nd, 1963: Chuck Norris was driving through Texas when a lone assassin sitting on a grassy gnoll inside a book suppository shot him in the face. After recovering from the face shot, Chuck Norris found the guy who did it and killed him with a roundhouse kick. This is why the death penalty is so strictly enforced in Texas today.
Chuck Norris wrote the Da Vinci Code, but allows Dan Brown to pose as the novel's author, fearing it will damage his "street cred."
It is rumored that the season finale of "Lost" will see the cast discovering a bewildered Chuck Norris living in the hatch.